Tuesday, December 16, 2014

2014.


I've been contemplating as to how to go about writing this post for the past week now, yet for some reason I cannot seem to overcome this mental block when trying to reflect on this past year. So, I've decided just to write.

This post may be utter-nonsense and a complete mess of scattered thoughts, but I'm very eager just to unclutter my head and draw the rollercoaster that is the past 12 months to a close.

It hasn't necessarily been a bad year. In fact, I would actually say that for the latter half of 2014, I've probably been at my all-time peak, the happiest I've ever been. 

The first half is the blackout - the months of anger, tears and hopelessness. All the feelings and emotions I hadn't dared touched over my teenage years all climaxed late 2013, causing me to turmoil in to the new year.

It really, really was a horrible time; a period of my life I hope I, nor any of my friends and family, have to see me decay through again. 

But every cloud has a silver lining, and what lies ahead is always better than what we leave behind.

God knows I struggled and I fought in those early winter months. But with spring came a different sort of determination, one where I found myself headstrong, with an unruly sense of drive, heading far far away from where I was before. I knew that to leave it all behind, for once and for all, I had to approach everything head-on, wholeheartedly, and none of this see-sawing between where I once was and where I aspired to be. 

No longer did I wish to tip-toe around the idea of letting go, dipping my feet in the sand only to run when I feel I've gone to far, that I'm sinking too deep in to water I've always been too afraid to fully throw myself in.

I try to let the words 'I'm proud of myself' pass my lips, however I do, frequently, struggle. I guess it's hard to have pride over overcoming a fall that I cannot help but feel I pushed myself in to. But that's where I must correct myself. What I tell myself over and over again, is that where I was, what happened to me, was inevitable and that I did not choose it. I repeat, I did not choose to fall. What I did choose, however, was to rise up and face the chaos that lay before me.

Summer was a clean slate for me. The completion of my final exams brought a close to the 14 years of schooling I was incredibly happy to say goodbye to. I visited both New York and Paris, and had the loveliest 18th birthday celebrations with my friends and family. I most definitely entered 'adulthood' on a high.

Through Autumn, I worked full time and continued to put myself first. Whether it be my yoga practice, the importance I placed on whipping up a delicious breakfast (every morning, without fail) or the appreciation and excitement I had whenever I got to spend time with my parents, or have a spontaneous day out with my friends - I was completely and utterly dedicated to making myself happy.

All of this made leaving everyone and everything behind at the end of October an incredibly difficult one. I'd become so attached to the unbelievably close relationships I'd formed with my friends and family, I guess not having them by my side felt like all my armor has been ripped off me, leaving me to totally go it alone.

November saw me travel through Thailand with one of my childhood best friends, Alicia - a dream we both blabbed on about for years, finally come true.

It's crazy to think that whilst all the - pardon my french - sh*t was going on, the idea of leaving home and going travelling is what got me through.. and this is it. This is what I thought, for all those years, would 'save' me. But the thing is, having had everything get better whilst still at home, I now know that whatever issues you have in your life - you cannot run from them. If you're not happy, you need to work on yourself - because no matter where you go, you cannot escape your own head.

Woah got a bit deep there.

On a lighter note, Australia so far is amazing. Alicia and I arrived in Sydney late November, and are currently living and working in one of the city's Northern Beaches, a beautiful town called Manly.

Whilst it has not all been plain sailing, I really do love the independence and freedom I have out here. It can often be intimidating to think that at 18 years old, I'm living 10,000 miles from home, with no parents cooking, cleaning and paying bills for me. I can go anywhere and do anything. Book a flight to India for tomorrow, sure! Hitch hike to Melbourne for Christmas, no problem! That's the beauty of it I guess - the world is my oyster.

I have so many ideas buzzing around my head as to where I want to go and what I want to do in the coming year, and I am incredibly excited to fulfill all of my ambitions.

Yes, I know that it is impossible, really, for life to be one permanent state of euphoria. But I smile when I say that I am at a point where if something knocks me down, it is okay. My one, true wish in life, above anything else, is that I'm happy.. and I'd like to think that never again will I allow myself to settle for any less.

2014 was a crazy year, one huge learning curve, but I am so glad it all happened. I know one thing for sure, and that is the future is bright. 2015 - I cannot wait to see what you have in store.

No comments:

Post a Comment